Stop expecting so much from your employees, your family, and yourself. It’s a waste of time and a perpetual fountain of disappointment.
Sounds ridiculous, right? But, hear me out.
I’m not suggesting you lower the bar of what you’d like to see happen in those around you. And I’m certainly not asking you to stop pushing yourself to higher and higher levels. What I am suggesting is that you consider the success rate of your past expectations and the effect they have on you and the people in your life.
Expectations are those silent setups that fill you with anticipation and hope, but ultimately result in disappointment, or at best, nothing at all. That’s a rollercoaster ride no one asked for.
As an example, if someone meets our expectations, we’re likely not to have an emotional response (because the other person did exactly what we thought they would do). And if they miss our expectations, we will be disappointed and possibly even angry, disrespected, or devalued.
That sounds like a recipe for repeated disaster and growing feelings of imposter syndrome.
So, like I said before, stop expecting so much from others. It’s a waste of time.
I can hear the rebuttal already…“You’ve lost me, Mr. Shortcut Man. I can’t just let everyone do whatever they want, leaving me to deal with it and bear the brunt of their shortcomings. That’s ridiculous! People need to be responsible and accountable.”
I agree. People do need to hold accountability. That’s why it’s incumbent upon you to set up an environment that makes that possible.
Stop setting expectations and start making agreements.
Consider this:
When we set expectations of another person, we are essentially writing a contract concerning our desired behaviors of that person, which sounds like a good thing on the surface. But here’s the problem: these expectations are contracts with no countersignature.
You know what you expect in the relationship, but the other party does not. You know what you’d like the other party to do, but they do not. They have not been informed of this contract, because you never sent it out for signature. And since most people are not mind readers, they have no idea about your expectations.
Now you may think that your expectations are agreements. After all, you gave your employee the job description when you hired them. And you’ve probably offered feedback and delivered performance reviews. All fair points. But those things happen only occasionally, not regularly.
And people forget, lose track, or might not even know exactly what the defined goal is. Or maybe their responsibilities have changed because of layoffs or consolidation, but their role title remains the same (oof, that happens). So how accurate is that job description really? And when was the last time either of you reviewed it? (Probably a good idea to do that semiannually if you’re going through a lot of changes.)
But for now, let’s focus on agreements.
When you make an agreement, everyone knows exactly what needs to happen. It’s clear, it’s clean, and it doesn’t leave room for ambiguity.
No more silent scripts running in the background, no more mental games, no more hoping they’ll “just know.”
Agreements bring accountability into the picture, and everyone’s on the same page.
Sounds great, right? But where to start.
If you’re not quite sure how to make an agreement, simply start with your expectations. That shouldn’t be too hard since that is how you’ve been running these many months and years anyway. You’ve got loads of expectations stored up in your head. Now it’s time to do a Vulcan mind meld (or something like that).
Alright, now that you have identified a specific expectation, instead of hoping someone magically picks up on it, state it clearly to the other party. But be careful about how you express yourself in these agreement conversations. You don’t want to come across as too bossy or insensitive.
Try the following:
- If you’re having trouble getting status updates, try this:
- Instead of “I expect you to keep me updated,” say “Let’s agree on weekly updates.”
- Now, you could leave it at that, but if that sounds a bit too vague, specify the timing and format.
- “Can we agree to a weekly update every Monday at 10 a.m., covering progress and any challenges?”
- This agreement creates clarity around frequency and timing, making it highly actionable.
- Or if you expect better communication, try this:
- Instead of “I expect you to improve communication,” say “Let’s agree on daily check-ins.”
- The phrase “improve communication” can be broad, so turn it into a clear action.
- “Let’s agree to a five-minute check-in each morning to touch base on priorities and any updates.”
- Daily check-ins provide a concrete way to build a habit of clear communication.
- And if you expect leader availability:
- Instead of “I expect you to be available for team members,” try “Let’s agree on dedicated office hours.”
- Now, in this case, general availability can lead to burnout or unclear boundaries, so let’s make it more specific.
- “Let’s agree on office hours every Tuesday and Thursday from 2–4 p.m., where team members know they can reach you for questions.”
- This defines availability in a manageable way that’s clear to everyone.
Great! You’ve converted your expectation into an agreement. Once stated, ask them if they understand and affirm they can meet the standards of this agreement. If so, your contract is signed. Now you’re both on board and ready to meet success.
People tend to do what they say they’re going to do when they have a clear agreement, especially when they have a hand in defining the goal.
So, if the original draft is not quite in alignment and some things need to be rewritten, work together on a revision and present the agreement again for signature. Now you’ve consummated the contract.
I don’t know if you realize this, but three wonderful things have just happened.
- You’ve got mutual understanding
- You’ve got buy-in
- You’ve got a commitment
No more unsigned, unfulfilled contracts in your mind. Now you have actionable agreements that can be met, reliably measured, and talked about without emotional baggage. Talk about a win-win-win situation?
I know we’ve concentrated on workplace agreements, but if you’d like to enhance other areas of your life, you can use this same technique of dropping expectations and making agreements with loved ones in your life to avoid the slow erosion of trust. But please do so with great care and compassion. You don’t want to make your relationships seem transactional.
And imagine what could be if you made agreements with yourself instead of routinely beating yourself up for missed expectations. Whew! That’s a lot to consider. Maybe we’ll take that up in a future post.
- So, how will you change your mind about expecting so much from others?
- How will you create clear agreements that will boost your confidence, reduce surprises, and cut down on the mental clutter of unmet expectations?
- And how will this affect relationships with your coworkers, your loved ones, and yourself?
By ditching expectations and forming agreements, you create a cooperative atmosphere that builds accountability and trust, replacing assumptions with shared responsibility.